I’m disappointed in myself. So disappointed that I cannot even begin to look at my reflection. I’ve let myself down and I’ve let you down, my dear. I’ve changed into a disgusting human being. I’m not who I act like I am, I’m not who I say I am. 

Things are about to change. Big things are about to take place here. I’m opening up and I’m becoming the person that I’ve always wanted to be. I was on track, not too long ago. I lost myself, though. I lost myself through all of the bullshit that I was having to deal with, through all of the nonsense that was taking place. I do hope, my love, that you can forgive me. Even though, I cannot begin to forgive myself. 

I lost myself along the way. I’ve been empty. Being empty is just..nothing. I just hope, I just hope I find my way back, my way back to myself.  

I guess I’m just scared of forgetting who I am and what I think is right.

I lost a friend today, someone that I called my best friend. I realize what I did to lose her and what I didn’t do to keep her close. I’m no good with keeping friendships. I never stay in touch and I complain if they don’t keep in touch. It’s not fair. I’ve been thinking about it though, you know, really thinking about it. She was never a good friend in the first place, if she were a good friend, she wouldn’t have dropped me. She put other people in front of me, I mean, I understand that, we never REALLY knew each other. So, that’s not her fault, I don’t blame her for that. But, she could have kept in touch, more than she did. She could have left her boyfriend for a few minutes, to actually communicate with me. You see, her boyfriend hasn’t ever been, well, nice to me. He always caused problems and he was always just a dick to me. So, of course, that would put a hole in our friendship. I’m not even sure if she told him to cut it out or to be nice to me, I doubt it. 

Who was there for her when he ignored her for three days? Who was there for her when he kept calling it off with her? Who was there for her when she was in a situation where she didn’t know what to do? Me. Me. Me. 

But, you know, she chose him over me, if you would put it that way. Maybe she’ll regret it, maybe she won’t. I don’t care, either way. I’m not one to hand out second chances. But then again, I’m not one to tell someone that I told them so, either. If she ever needs me, she can contact me, I’m down with that. But, we won’t ever be best friends, again. The friendship was shit anyways. 

Everything used to be so good, so real. Now, everything feels surreal and I feel out of place. Being genuinely happy, is all I could ever ask for, all I have ever wanted. I need to feel happy, again. I need to feel needed. 

Sure, I haven’t gone through the most awful situations, but it doesn’t make me any less unhappy. I just need something more in my life, something more to live for. Sure, I have an excellent boyfriend and some good friends, but I need more. I need something more. Something to keep me going. I’m not making any sense. 

If you get me, you get me. Give me that something to live for, give me that something that’s going to keep me going.